The Sinkable
by TitaniChipmunkgrl
Summary: Spoof of Titanic
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Everybody! So the weirdest thing came to my mind while I was in the shower (of all places). I thought to myself **_**what a wonderful world**_**... errrr no not that but " What if I did a spoof on Titanic". Says the other side of my mind "Thats a great idea! Don't care if you've only been in the shower for two seconds! Get out and start writing!" So here it is.**

SCENE 1

The Titanic theme by James Horner begins to play. In slow motion, ship apears onto the screen with thousands of people on it. The ship is leving port and the people are waving goodbye. The screen goes black and ocean water appears. A title sequence appears that reads _Titanic: The Unsinkable, _but the _un _is crossed out with an X . The camera submerges under water and zooms in on a sumbereine

**BROCK LOVETT**: 13 meters; you should see it.

_Sunken ship's bow apears in camera's view_

**BROCK**: Give me the sunken-ship-o-meter this has gotta be it

_**LEWIS BODINE**__ hands him a device with a screen on it. Lovett holds device up to the window looking at sunken ship. Device reads, __**Empress of Ireland aka not the Titanic**_. _**BROCK**__ rolls his eyes._

**BROCK**: We've already past the Lady of the Lake, the Lady Elgin and Princess Alice. This is starting to get personal.

**LEWIS BODINE**: Shall we?

_**BROCK**__ smiles_

_**LEWIS**__ presses a play on a CD player. One Way Or Another by Blondie begins to play. _

_Along the journey the sunken-ship-o-meter read other sunken ship names. Finally it reads "You'll never find me! XD". Music ends._

**BROCK**: This is madness!

**LEWIS**: THIS IS SPARTA!

_**BROCK**__ raises his eyes at Lewis. _

**LEWIS**: No seriously, the name of the the sumberine is Sparta.

_**LEWIS**__ holds up a life jaket that reads SPARTA. _

**LEWIS**: Well, Brock you got to admit, aproxomitly 85% of the time people skip this part of the movie.

**BROCK**: Oh fine, since we're not getting anywhere lets give the people what they want!

SCENE 2:

_**ROSE DE WITTBEKATTER **__, a red head in a wedding dress, steps out of a limo. She struggles getting out of the car because of the dress being so wide._

**ROSE: **Cal, why did you make me choose this dress out of all of the others, and more importantly, why do you make me wear it all the time?

**CALODEN HOCKLY **_(from inside the limo): _So I can see this all the time

_**ROSE**__ kicks Cal._

**CAL: **Owww? You made me mess up your mother's hair.

**RUTH:** Uhhh, hello? Women, like, in destress here!

**ROSE: **Mother just please give me a push. I can't be like this all day!

**CAL: **Awwww!

**RUTH:** Yeah, like, why not make me do all the work?

_**ROSE **__is pushed out of the door by __**RUTH**_

**ROSE:** Wow!

**CAL**: Rather magnificent.

**RUTH: **I, like, don't see what all the fuss is about. Oh my god, Cal. You, like, said this would be, like, the bigger than the world. I'm like gonna cry now.

**CAL **_( muttering): _I only said that so you would come along.

**ROSE: **Lets just get this over with!

_All get onto ship._

**I am just claiming that I do NOT own any of the characters. All characters belong to Mr. James Cameron. Fun fact: Did you know that James Cameron started making Titanic in 1995? The film was released in 1997 so that means it took over 2 years to bring the film to screen! I guess all his hard work paid off. I could never keep up with something for two years! GBU James Cameron!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone I'm back. Here is a few fun facts about some ideas in this chapter. People started using whipped cream back in the 1600s. Freud is a man who had a theory that men where preoccupied by the size of their genitals. I know that a lot of people are confused about what Rose meant by her statement.**

_SCENE 3_

_Meanwhile in Bar near by the Titanic_

_An Italian man, an American man, and two Swedish men are sitting at a table playing poker. Camera rolls across table revealing a Titanic ticket reading: _

_TITANIC: A TRIP SO WONDERFUL YOU COULD DIE ON IT_

_Italian man slips two cards under the table to American man. Swedish men don't notice_

_Poker Face by Lady Gaga begins playing_

ITALIAN MAN: Ma ma mia (6X)

AMERICAN MAN: Can't resist, Can't resist, No you can't resist my pretty face

ITALIAN MAN: Girls gotta love his body

AMERICAN MAN: P-P-P Pretty face, P- P Pretty face

ITALIAN MAN: Ma ma mia

_Poker face ends_

_AMERICAN MAN: _Full house yeah!

_ITALIAN MAN grabs cloth bag and starts shoving money and TITANIC tickets into it_

_SWEDISH MEN see bulge in crotch area of AMERICAN MAN _

_SWEDISH MAN 1: _What the hell is your problem! _He kicks AMERICAN MAN in the crotch and cards come flying out of his pants. ITALIAN MAN and AMERICAN MAN run. Followed by SWEDISH MEN and the rest of the bar_

_ITALIAN MAN:_ Jack! Che diavolo?

_JACK: _Fabrizio! It was either the cards or the whipped cream! If it was the whipped cream, well, what you think that would look like?

_POLICE MAN over hears JACK_

_POLICE MAN: _After them! They've got whipped cream!

_Many POLICE MEN run after JACK and FABRIZIO_

_CROWD: _WE WANT WHIPPED CREAM! WE WANT WHIPPED CREAM!

_JACK and FABRIZIO run up the ramp to the TITANIC _

_STEWARD: _Get them on board. They got whipped cream!

_STEWARDS help JACK and FABRIZIO up on to TITANIC _

_SCENE 4_

_JACK: _Don't you want our tickets?

_STEWARD: _You got the cream?

JACK: Yeah?

STEWARD: You're good to go, man

_STEWARD pats JACK on the back_

STEWARD: But I have to see his ticket.

_STEWARD gestures to FABRIZIO_

JACK: Hold on a minute he doesn't speak English. _Looking at FABRIZIO. _Dice che non è permesso di lasciare i figli di puttana a bordo

_FABRIZIO looks at JACK in shock. JACK nods. FABRIZIO turns to STEWARD and begins punching him in the face. _

FABRIZIO: Come ti permetti di parlare di mia mama? Ti ammazzo con la nostra panna montata!

_Another STEWARD pulls FABRIZIO off STEWARD. Comotion gathers around STEWARD as FABRIZIO slinks over to JACK_

_As JACK and FABRIZIO walk down the hall way FABRIZIO looks at JACK still in rage. JACK pats FABRIZIO on the back._

JACK: Hai messo su una buona lotta. Tua mama sarebbe stato orgoglioso.

_FABRIZIO smiles at JACK_

_SCENE 5_

_Later ROSE, RUTH, CAL, MOLLY BROWN, BRUCE ESMAY, and MR. ANDREWS are sitting at luncheon._

_ROSE is handcuffed to the chair and trying to break loose. Everyone else at the table is acting completely normal._

BRUCE ESMAY: She is the largest moving object in all history. Mr. Andrews here designed her from the keel plates up.

_All eyes turn to MR. ANDREWS. MR. ANDREWS is staring at ROSE intently. RUTH clears her throat. MR. ANDREWS snaps out and looks at RUTH, confused._

RUTH: Like, are you gonna say some understatement about how awesome you are or are your gonna stare at my daughter like some perv.

MR. ANDREWS: My apologies madam. I mean no disrespect to your daughter.

_He looks over at ROSE who is still trying to get unlocked from the handcuffs. _Would you excuse me, I must take a piss. _He gets up from the table and begins to walk in the direction of the bathroom. Then he turns and a crotch down, making sure no one sees him. _

_Mission impossible theme begins playing._

_He crawls under tables making sure not to crawl over people's feet. Suddenly he places his hand on a man's foot accidentally. As a shadow of a head comes down to look under the table, MR. ANDREWS gasps. A hand reaches down and pulls the table sheet up and a familiar face appears in the light. _

MR. ANDREWS: _(whispers) _Arnold Shwartzanager?

_ARNOLD gives MR. ANDREWS a creepy smile. Wide eyed and grinning. _

ARNOLD: Take dis (_hands MR. ANDREWS a key)_

_MR. ANDREWS looks at the key then back at ARNOLD_

MR. ANDREWS: My thanks goes to you, Mr. Shwarzanager

ARNOLD: _(creepy smile still on his face_) I'll be back.

_Still holding the smile, Arnold slowly lets the tablecloth fall and slowly sits up right._

_MR. ANDREWS shrugs and begins crawling again. Soon he reaches Rose. _

MR. ANDREWS: Hello there, darling. Thomas Andrews at your service. (_blushes)_

ROSE: Service? What the hell? I don't need service!

MR. ANDREWS: Sure looks like you do, miss. _(gestures to the hand cuffs)_

ROSE: Oh, this? I'm used to this. I just try to free myself to pass the time. You people talk about the most boring things.

_MR. ANDREWS holds up the key and grins ear to ear. _

ROSE: Where did you get that?

MR. ANDREWS: From Mr. Shwartzenager right th-

_MR. ANDREWS pointed to where ARNOLD was, but now there just stood an empty chair. He unlocked ROSE any way._

ROSE: Thank you Mr. Andrews. And also, thank your, errrrrr,… imaginary friend there.

_MR. ANDREWS winks at her. ROSE sits up straight as if nothing ever happened. _

_MR. ANDREWS crawls to a different corner to make it look like he was walking back from the rest room. _

MR. ANDREWS:_ (Sitting down) _Thank you for your patience.

MOLLY BROWN: Hey, who thought of the name Titanic? Was it you Bruce? _(She smiles sheepishly at MR. ESMAY)_

BRUCE ESMAY: Well, yes actually. You see, I wanted to convey sheer sized which means stability and above all strength.

ROSE: Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Esmay? His ideas of the male preoccupation might be of particular interest to you.

_MOLLY BROWN and MR. ANDREWS begin to crack up._

RUTH: Girl, like, what has gotten into you? That's like, so improper. Tell her, Cal

CAL: That's improper, Rose

ROSE: Excuse me. _(She gets up from the table)_

MR. ESMAY: Ford? Who is he? Is he a passenger?

_MOLLY BROWN and MR. ANDREWS burst into more laughter._

**Hey everyone. Please review. I really love it when people tell me about their favorite parts of the story. It lets me know what people like and I can feed off of it. Bye for now. Remember: REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW !**


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